I am constantly asked by playwrights if there is a secret to getting your play noticed and produced. The answer is, yes, there is a secret. I'm not going to give it up here, but I will give you eight tips.
“I’m fine, Sue.”
“Moore, I’m going to sue.”
“Sue, Sue? Who?”
“You, Moore.”
“Sue! Sue!”
“Si, More.”
“Sue Seymour?”
“No, sue you, Moore.”
“Sue, Sue, Sue, how can you sue?”
“Moore, as you sow shall you reap.”
“Sow, Sue?”
As you can see, you won’t forget these characters names.
Bonus tip: Legally, change your name to Neil Simon.
- Have a reason for writing a play, even if that reason is you’ve failed at everything else, so why not.
- If your play is going to be 500 pages long, make the font very small so no one will notice. Include a magnifying glass when you submit your script.
- Audiences are morons, so make sure you explain everything that happens in your play. What is a cell phone? What is a zester? This will also add needed length and characterization.
- Every play should have a beginning, a middle and an end, but really, you only need the middle.
- Remember to include at least one character. No one wants to watch a set for 90 minutes.
- Samuel Beckett wrote stuff that people didn’t understand. You’re just as good as he was so go for it. Also, he wasn’t crazy about feedback so you’re in good company.
- If you're going to make a Star Trek reference, for God's sake get it right. There are people who care how many buttons there are on a phaser and they will tell you what you got wrong.
- Distinguishing characters can be difficult. One quick solution is to always use the characters names in dialog. In this scene we have Moore, a deep sea diver, and Sue, a Llama breeder. Sue begins the scene.
“I’m fine, Sue.”
“Moore, I’m going to sue.”
“Sue, Sue? Who?”
“You, Moore.”
“Sue! Sue!”
“Si, More.”
“Sue Seymour?”
“No, sue you, Moore.”
“Sue, Sue, Sue, how can you sue?”
“Moore, as you sow shall you reap.”
“Sow, Sue?”
As you can see, you won’t forget these characters names.
Bonus tip: Legally, change your name to Neil Simon.
You can see my new Zoom play Team Building, on Friday, March 4th, 7 pm Eastern, as part of the Virtual Arts’ New Play Festival. Get your tickets here.